Love


 * This article was given the 'Most Neutral Article' for its amazing neutrality.

Love is a mindset, a drug, a depressant, and, on very rare occasions, that energy drink that gets you through the day. In the thesaurus, you might find the word "enjoyment" as a synonym for it. Sooner or later, this will become the God damned forsaken antonym.

Definition
Many people will Google the definition of love and will be dissatisfied because that is the wrong damn way to go about it. You probably want them to tell you about how it's the face of God shining a rainbow down from heaven for you to ride like its a fucking roller coaster. That's not love, that's sex. Love is that "make it work for the children" factor, and this marks the realization point in a relationship that states that it was over before it began, and that you're fucked for life.

Stage 0
The stage where you've still got a chance and you should not consider it.

Stage 1
....You've been dating for a while now, and you've just realized that you're "in love". That point is when she (he?) is all you think about day and night, and you're grades are dropping dramatically (at least seven points), your knocking shit over in your house, almost getting hit by cars, and quitting your job (why the hell....?).

In this stage, it's still okay to walk out on her. Common sense states that being in a relationship is extremely unattractive. Sure, she'll be a bitch to you for a few weeks or so, but she'll fall in love again eventually. If she doesn't, just in case, don't walk the streets past eight o' clock and carry a heavy rock with you when you go out.

Stage 2
So you decided to go against everything that this article has said so far and go on with the relationship. By this time, you guys have had....engaged in....fucked, well, you should have anyway, according to....abstinence? And you guys had to go fucking shopping, and you were completely hopeless somewhere along the way, when she was trying to figure out whether the red shoes or the purple ones matched her fucking blouse.

Not to mention she's been asking you all these tough as hell questions, like "why do you love me?" and "have you ever thought about meeting my parents?" No matter what you say, she will be pissed and the only solution is getting out of answering the question (i.e. chew it over with Twix, jump out the window).

But sooner or later, you're going to have to meet her parents, and, if you've ever seen the movie, you'd better hope it doesn't go that badly. You probably want to act more like Drake would than how Bruno Mars would, in the same situation. Cockiness definitely wins over being a sweetheart, in every area. Women love it when guys treat them like shit (haven't you seen the movies???).

Stage 3
Things must be going against all odds, because you've made it to stage three. Suddenly you're having second thoughts about this woman. Has smoking/drugs had an affect on her age? What was she bitching about? Are you giving "mixed signals" or not being "spontaneous".

Surely by this stage in your relationship the two of you are bored as hell and want to move on with your lives and see other people (i.e. "take a break"). But seriously, if you propose to her, make sure the cost of the ring puts you in debt for at least the rest of your life, because if not, it's not going to be good enough for her. If she just simply says no, consider it a wake up call.

Stage 4
Don't tell me you're going to get married....you know what your friends have been telling you. But oh well, don't have an expensive wedding because, that, in turn, costs a lot of money. Go to Vegas and get it over with, quick and easy. At this point you're obviously in way too deep, so you might as well stop using condoms and have about twelve kids.

While this happens a lot in the previous stages as well, its common for people to start hating each other after they get married, especially if there's a fucking forty year age difference and she wants to watch Gossip Girl while he wants to watch World War II documentaries. She may be busy studying for that big college exam while he's trying to get his Social Security Income.

Oh, and surely by this point, pretty much anybody walking by on the street is better than her (him?).

Stage 5
The fifth and final stage can probably be called the "depression/acceptance stage" of the relationship, or maybe the "shittiest stage". This is when you're struggling to raise children with the one you've grown to strongly dislike over the years and have accepted the fact that your life is over.